Let’s face it, since Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt popped out little baby Shiloh, we as a culture have become pretty obsessed with celebrity offspring.
Miley Cyrus, Rumer Willis and Nicole Richie are just a few celeb-u-spawn who have been targeted by celebrity magazines and gossip websites simply because of their famous parents.
Whether it’s Perez Hilton drawing alien antennas on little Suri Cruise or magazines paying millions of dollars for the first pics of Jennifer Lopez’s twins, celebrity offspring are a hot commodity in our paparazzi-driven culture.
So it’s no wonder why MTV execs have come up with Rock the Cradle, a music reality series that features nine established musicians’ children competing against each other in an American Idol-type singing contest to win a recording contract with Jive Records and $100,000.
Judges consist of B-listers Belinda Carlisle of the Go-Go’s fame, choreographer Jamie King (who name-drops in every sentence), stylist June Ambrose and Britney Spears’ on-again, off-again agent Larry Rudolph. The judges give the contestants scores out of 10 (Olympic-style) and whoever receives the highest score is safe from elimination. It is then up to America to vote to keep their favourites in the game.
Now you would think that with parents like Olivia Newton-John or Kenny Loggins some musical talent would seep through these contestants’ DNA … think again! This entertaining train-wreck of a show is like American Idol meets The Surreal Life, as the poor celeb-u-spawn reveal their sob stories about growing up alone in empty mansions or facing bankruptcy after their parents’ 15 minutes were up.
They talk about always being in the shadow of their celebrity relative, saying that now’s their chance to shine on their own. Of course we know this will never happen, and it brings about the question, if you had such a lonely, dysfunctional family life growing up in the shadow of your star mother or father, why then take the same path as them? It boggles my mind, frankly.
The best parts of this show are the celebrity parents sitting in the back of the audience as they watch the brutal performances of the fruit of their loins in utter horror. Watch out for Olivia Newton-John’s frozen smile as her odd-looking daughter Chloe completely butchers INXS’s “Never Tear Us Apart” or Bobby Brown’s very diplomatic comments after his son Landon painstakingly tries to croon his way through Seal’s “Crazy”.
But despite all of this entertaining train-wreckage there are some shining stars in the bunch, and to fulfill our general fascination with celebrity’s children, we get a little insight into what it’s like growing up with famous parents. If you’re a reality-TV junkie or just want to have a good laugh, check out this show.
Let’s review the contestant’s performance in Episode 1.
• Jesse Money (daughter of rocker Eddie Money). Sings 3 Doors Down’s “When I’m Gone” and sounds a bit like dear ol’ Dad, who turns out to be a complete stage dad.
• Landon Brown (son of bad boy Bobby Brown). Sings Seal’s “Crazy” and clearly doesn’t get his good looks from Daddy’s wild eyes. He speaks candidly about growing up with an absent father and having Whitney Houston as a step-mom.
• Chloe Lattanzi (daughter of Olivia Newton-John). Sings INXS’s “Never Tear Us Apart” with her gigantic lips! I know I’m going to get hate mail for this, but this girl looks like someone took leftover plastic surgery parts and glued them on her face. How can this child be related to sweet little Olivia? How? This performance was deliciously agonizing to watch. Brutal!
• Jesse Blaze Snider (son of Twisted Sister singer Dee Snider). Oh how I hoped for him to come out in his dad’s old spandex gear and blue eye-shadow up to his eyebrows. Sadly, he just came out shirtless wearing leather pants with … wait for it … fringes! Sang Led Zeppelin’s “Rock & Roll,” to which his dad admitted he had to pull some strings with Robert Plant to get permission for him to sing it.
• Lara Johnston (daughter of Doobie Brother Tom Johnston). Sings Avril Lavigne’s “I’m With You”. By far she is the most well-adjusted contestant up there with her very supportive dad by her side.
• Lil B. Sure (son of – you guessed it – R&B singer Al B. Sure). Seriously? You named your kid after your stage name?! Sang Donny Hathaway’s “A Song for You” and wasn’t that bad.
• A’Keiba Burrell (daughter of rapper MC Hammer). No, she did not come out in Hammer pants, despite my wishing. But she did have one of the best performances of the night singing Jennifer Hudson’s Dream Girls ditty “Love You I Do.”
• Crosby Loggins (son of “Footloose” singer Kenny Loggins). For some reason this dude completely creeps me out. He sings (and by “sings” I mean “butchers”) Elvis Costello’s “What’s So Funny About Peace Love and Understanding?”
• Lucy Walsh (daughter of Eagles’ guitarist Joe Walsh). Ironically sings Don Henley’s “The Heart of the Matter”. Her dad is absent from the performance and is not very happy about his daughter appearing on a reality show. She’s one contestant whose DNA is working for her.
Rock the Cradle debuts Sun., April 20 at 6 p.m. ET on MuchMusic.
Are you going to watch Rock the Cradle? What star’s child would you want to see on this show? Questions or comments? Email me at jessica.russell@tvguide.ca
SOUND BITES: A WEEKLY DIG THROUGH THE CHANNELS
April 15: Ronnie Hawkins 60th Birthday Bash (8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT, Bravo!)
Ronnie Hawkins celebrates his 60th birthday at Toronto’s Massey Hall with the Jeff Healey Band, Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins.
April 15: Cancer Bats perform on MOD (4 p.m. ET/PT, MuchMusic)
Post-hardcore band the Cancer Bats perform from their latest album Hail Destoyer.
April 15: Rogue Wave performs on David Letterman (11:35 p.m. ET/PT, CBS)
Indie rockers Rogue Wave perform from their latest album Asleep at Heaven’s Gate.
April 16: Bell X1 performs on David Letterman (11:35 p.m. ET/PT, CBS)
April 17: The Coast performs on MTV Live (6 and 11 p.m ET, MTV)
Toronto-based indie rockers the Coast perform from their debut self-titled album.
April 17: U2 Vertigo: Live in Chicago (8 p.m. ET/PT, MuchMoreMusic)
U2 performs live in Chicago from their “Vertigo” tour.
April 18: R. Kelly Live: The Light It Up Tour (8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT, MuchVibe)
Scandalous R&B singer R. Kelly performs his hits from Oakland, Calif.
April 18: Morrissey performs on Craig Ferguson (12:35 a.m. ET/PT, CBS)
April 19: Ray Davies performs on Austin City Limits (9 p.m. ET/PT, check local listings, PBS)
Legendary frontman of the Kinks performs from his solo album.
April 19: Super Troupers – 30 Years of Abba (4:30 p.m. ET/PT, MuchMoreMusic)
Abba reunites in London, England, to celebrate their 30th anniversary.
April 19: The Quebec Gospel Ensemble (10 p.m. ET/7 p.m. PT, Bravo!)
A performance by the Quebec Gospel Ensemble.
April 21: Alicia Keys performs on the Today show (7 a.m. ET/PT, NBC)
Grammy Award-winning singer Alicia Keys performs.
JESSICA’S JUKEBOX: FRESH TUNES YOU GOTTA HEAR
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Dig, Lazarus Dig!!! (Anti)
Perhaps it’s the influence of Cave’s previous side-project Grinderman that has him reverting to this refined garage-blues vibe on this latest riveting album. While Cave normally pares down his band the Bad Seeds on albums, here they spread-eagle, creating that gritty, dark bluesy sound that just swaggers around Cave’s Stooges-like manic heights and lounge-lizard tongue-in-cheek lyrics that hang in the air. This is Cave at his finest.
Recommended if you dig … American Music Club or the Doors
Forest City Lovers – Haunting Moon Sinking (Out of this Spark)
This wee band from Toronto creates such a delicately simple yet engaging debut with their woven string arrangements, subtle but effective electric guitars and shadowing keys that completely complement Kat Burns’ sweetly soulful vocals. This crew has a very precise direction in their sound and perfect the balance between endearing and enigmatic.
Recommended if you dig … Emily Haines or Andrew Bird.
Sun Kil Moon – April (Caldo Verde)
You might have to invest some quality time and dedication to really sink your teeth into Mark Kozelek’s hauntingly beautiful third album, but it is completely worth it when you do. This former singer from the Red House Painters wallows in self-pity to the deepest level here, and as a listener you can feel every bit of that sincerity and longing. This album will shake you to your core.
Recommended if you dig … Jeff Buckley or Elliot Smith
The Kooks – Konk (Astralwerks)
The Kooks are the biggest band in England right now, and by the sounds of it on this sophomore album they could even revive a Brit Pop scene over here, like that of the mid-‘90s, with their radio-friendly tunes and perfectly polished rock-anthems. Like on their debut album, the lads crank up the volume on this one with rockin’ riffs, sexy lyrics and catchy choruses.
Recommended if you dig … Arctic Monkeys, the Strokes or the Libertines
Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles (Last Gang)
As they take their name from the ‘80s cartoon She-Ra Princess of Power, it’s clear this Toronto duo are products of their upbringing. This infectious, cluttered electro-dance debut is full of primitive electronic sounds like bleeps, pings and lasers (think soundtracks of Nintendo or Atari) and it completely works. Of course, Crystal Castles isn’t for everybody, especially the frantic vocals and mayhem, but if you’re looking for some avant-garde innovative sounds of the future, you’ve come to the right place.
Recommended if you dig … Ladytron or Adult
Jessica’s musical nerdiness/obsession started at a very young age thanks to her older sisters, Jem and the Holograms, CFNY compilations and an early introduction to Nirvana. She has since developed a penchant for effeminate indie rock, soul/mod revivalists, Scandinavian singers and old school hip-hop. After a stint as a music writer at Toronto’s acclaimed NOW magazine, Jessica now aims to make the couch potatoes of the world a little more music savvy in her column "Telly Tunes".
