New Girl, "Bully"

Typically I tune in for my weekly New Girl fix to chuckle at Jess’ adorkable nerdisms, eagerly write down Schmidt quotes and see the world through Nick’s cynical perspective. During Tuesday’s episode, however, I realized that there’s more to this show. It’s a gosh darn guide to life. (Imagine that said in a kooky Jess accent).

Bragging about sex is okay. Sometimes. Depending on the situation. 
So Schmidt and Cece have made bumpin’ fuzzies a regular thing. Cece was desperate to continue keeping the whole situation from Jess and the other roomies as well as her own friends. Schmidt on the other hand, was dying to tell the world. Not in a braggy way though, but simply because she’s a stunner. He wanted everyone to know how lucky he felt, being with this amazing woman who also terrifies him (Aww!). He proved it's totally okay to shout your love from the rooftops … or in a diner through hardcore parkour.

Cactuses are BAD.
Never give/send your significant other a cactus. When Julia sent Nick one while away on business in Beijing, the gesture seemed innocent enough. But, with an oddly small amount of speculation, Nick saw right through the seemingly harmless gift. Giving your BF/GF a cactus means you don’t trust them to be able to keep a real plant alive, he thought. Others might find you crazy for coming to such conclusions, but Nick proved it to be true. Julia came home, broke up with him and admitted that his theory was dead on. Noted!

Music = peace on Earth!
When one of Jess’ students told her he was being bullied by the other kids, she invited him to perform a song with her in front of the class. That miserably backfired when the kids posted a mean viral video of Jess’ singing on the internet. But when music fails, push music in the evil-doers’ faces even more! Jess forced the overachieving bully girl to sing along with her in front of the class, and finally all was right again. Music is defs the key to world peace! Revolutionary, I know.

Kids, think long and hard about your cafeteria games.
So you think it’s funny, picking on the slow kid in class and dropping pennies into the depths of his buttcrack? Listen carefully, kiddies. Those pennies add up, and before long, little Nathanial is at the store buying the latest and greatest video game while your stinky parents won’t even pay to rent it. Later in life, Nathanial becomes the head of a successful corporation and buys his morning ginseng beverages with a lifetime worth of saved up butt pennies. Be nice, or life will eventually bite you in the (penniless) butt. 

Feeling a little lost? Tune in regularly and New Girl will lead the way.

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Citytv and FOX.

What has Jess and the crew taught you about life? Share your thoughts below.