Globe and Mail writer's failed love life on TV

There are two variations of British men rendered in the entertainment industry: charming, eloquent and polite, or rowdy, drunk and vulgar. As someone who’s read more than her fair share of chick lit – much of which is written by United Kingdom-based authors – I’m more familiar with the latter.

So which is the more representative stereotype, Prince William or Liam Gallagher? Globe & Mail columnist Leah McLaren suggests both are, and can sometimes be one and the same.

Her first-hand experience living in London, a stint that for a single girl can only be considered a dry spell, became the basis for a widely syndicated and much-hated 2002 article for the London Spectator dubbed The Tragic Ineptitude of the English Male, and has been rejigged for TV in CBC’s Abroad.

The two-hour pilot TV-movie penned and created by McLaren stars Liane Balaban as leading lady Amy Pearce, a Canadian journo just off the boat who dates rounds of English men in an attempt to catch the eye of a heartbreaking British bachelor. Throughout her quest, Amy’s character – based on McLaren – is flummoxed to find English men don’t adhere to modern North American courting rituals.

We’re all familiar with the usual. A suitor asks his object of desire for her number, requests a meal (preferably dinner) and picks her up for some one-on-one time, followed by his attempt at a kiss and, if all goes well, an invite back to her place.

But while Canadian dating is akin to the proverbial game of baseball, stepping up to bat and taking it one base at a time, the English singles’ scene is more like an ugly, violent game of rugby football, at least according to Amy’s flatmate and confidant, Poppy (played by Daisy Haggard).

So what, in McLaren’s words, makes English men the “worst lovers on the planet?” Well, for one, it’s a project and a half to even get one into bed. The three-month movie span sees Amy date countless men and she shags just one of them, with the romp coming to fruition only when she abandons her notion that women should be courted and goes in for the kill herself.

McLaren’s real-life record was even worse. Despite being an “acknowledged beauty,” after dating 12 men, she still bore no notches on her Britain-based bedpost.

Contrary to the basis of McLaren’s article, which peddles “personal experience as social observation,” survey results peg U.K. men as the quickest demographic to jump into bed, with 60 per cent willing to have sex on the first date, while only six per cent of U.K. women are prepared to do the same, according to Fastlife International.

In contrast, the company’s Canadian offices found that Canucks aren’t as polar in their first-date endeavours, with 45 per cent of men and 14 per cent of women open to jumping into bed on date No. 1.

This brings to light one interesting and widely refuted point of both the column and the movie: The same unsolicited advice proffered by McLaren’s then-flatmate (an American) is quoted verbatim in Abroad by Poppy’s character (a Brit). “The first thing you should know about English men,” she said, “is that what they secretly want most in the world is to be with other English men.”

While North American guys strive to get a woman alone in an effort to get in her pants, Amy finds herself on multiple group dates without being informed by her suitor. Who would have guessed dinner with a man would entail watching the game at a dingy pub with a bunch of his closest mates? In Canada, meeting the suitor’s friends is a welcome relationship advancement a few dates into the relationship. In England, they function as more of a buffer that merely stifles romantic progression. English men probably aren’t the misogynistic, repressed homosexuals McLaren has been led to believe they are (at least to the magnitude her article and the pilot assert).

Some of my favourite swoon-worthy actors just happen to be born-and-bred Brits. Nevertheless, I fell for these men (Twilight’s Robert Pattinson and Gossip Girl’s Ed Westwick come to mind) under the guise of their on-set American accents.

And thanks to McLaren’s public service to single women considering the British dating scene, I'm certain I’d take a Canuck or Yankee over Hugh Grant any day.

Abroad airs Sunday, March 14, 8 p.m. ET/PT, CBC

Thoughts? szolis@tvguide.ca or comment below.

Whether it’s reality or scripted TV, Stephanie firmly believes the most important element to any series is a sordid romantic story arc.— Grey’s Anatomy’s MerDer, Laguna Beach/The Hills’ Lauren and Jason, The Office’s PB & J, and General Hospital’s Spoily, to name a few. The more dysfunctional a couple is, the better. A proud single gal with an obsession for everything New York, Stephanie is one relocation away from living out her dream as a Carrie Bradshaw impostor. In the meantime, her weekly column scrutinizes the most explosive couples, crushes and relationship catastrophes to unfold on the small screen.

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