Now that the roses have all withered away and the chocolates have been devoured, I couldn’t be happier to see the red and pink put away for another year.
Valentine’s Day has a habit of putting everything into lovey-dovey mode, which quite frankly makes me green … not with envy … but with nausea.
Now that it’s all over, and I can safely emerge without having someone throw a heart-shaped piece of construction paper in my face, I am bringing everyone back to the reality of love brought to you by cheese TV. I know, it’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
FLAVOR FLAV AND HOOPZ AND DEELISHIS (FLAVOR OF LOVE SEASON 1 AND 2)
In a romantic nutshell: Flav picked both Hoopz and Deelishis over Miss New York, a.k.a. the devil reincarnated. Hoopz and Deelishis both got a pair of gold grills (hopefully not the same set) in celebration of their new relationship.
Rumour has it: After the show, Hoopz admitted she didn’t have strong feelings for Flav and said on a reunion special that she was no longer in a relationship with the 48-year-old rapper. Could it have something to do with their twenty-something year age difference? Although Deelishis swore that she didn’t want to see Flav hurt like he was with Hoopz, alas the romance also dwindled. Cue Flavor of Love Season 3!
Heartbreak rate: For the double dose of heartbreak, I give Flav five broken clocks out of 5.
TILA TEQUILA AND BOBBY (A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA)
In a romantic nutshell: Tila had a hard time picking between fire-fighter Dani and small-town boy Bobby, but ultimately she decided the male route was the one she would be most satisfied with.
Rumour has it: Not only was there word that Tila wasn’t at all bisexual and that she had a long-term boyfriend all along, but Bobby was left hanging in the balance after the finale aired. Apparently, Tila never called Bobby and when he went in high pursuit of her number, no one would give it to him.
Heartbreak rate: For Tila’s tequila-educed decision, I give one shot too many out of 5.
EVAN AND ZORA (JOE MILLIONAIRE)
In a romantic nutshell: Evan’s love experiment couldn’t have gone better. He revealed to Zora that he was, in fact, worthless but the couple was surprised with a million-dollar cheque to start off their happy life together.
Rumour has it: After Evan picked his leading gal, the jig was up. Zora claimed she was attracted to a completely different man (one that was a millionaire no doubt), while Evan says that the cameras turned off and so did he. In fact, some say Evan didn’t choose Zora on his own, and that network executives made the decision for him.
Heartbreak rate: For this couple’s sham of a relationship, I give them two split cheques out of a million.
BRAD AND NOBODY (THE BACHELOR)
In a romantic nutshell: The final two ladies were shaking with anticipation to see who would end up with the handsome and successful Texan bar owner. Making Bachelor history, Brad left the ceremonial rose alter solo.
Rumour has it: No rumour on this one. All the heart-breaking was done right in the finale when Brad decided he couldn’t make a commitment with either Deanna or Jenni. The finale left Brad sitting by his lonesome instead of engaged to a woman he barely even knew, who would have broken things off a couple months after the finale.
Heartbreak rate: For the amount of Bachelorettes left fuming, I give Brad two much-needed restraining orders out of 25.
JERRY HALL AND SETH (KEPT)
In a romantic nutshell: Ex-Mrs. Jagger was lonely, so she wanted something pretty to look at along with her expensive art and her vintage furniture. Among all the men who applied, she chose Seth as her exclusive Kept Man.
Rumour has it: I wasn’t sure if I could include this ex-couple since Jerry wasn’t looking for a husband or a boyfriend but a “kept” man. Nonetheless, the union was never finalized since Seth never saw the penthouse, the fancy cars or Jerry ever again after the finale. At least he got to walk away with the money grand prize.
Heartbreak rate: For the missing exotic car Seth was expecting, I give him one Lamborghini out of five.
What do you think of these reality couples’ splits? Email me at oliveiraj@tvguide.ca
NEED A GUILTY PLEASURES FIX? CHECK OUT WHAT’S ON THIS WEEK
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3 p.m.: The Story of…The Spice Girls
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