ALL MY CHILDREN, ABC/A
New head writer Chuck Pratt Jr. previews, “I am using fall to not throw the cards all over the floor but to reshuffle the deck.”
Translation: I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m copying prime time so stay with me here.
WHAT THEY SAY: Erica and Adam reunite!
• Erica and Adam fall in love all over again after Kendall asks her mother to help her save Fusion from Chandler.
• Josh gets a storyline when he interferes with Kendall and Zach’s strained marriage.
• Jesse’s secret life in his past two decades on the run are revealed when Angie and Tad investigate. The two idiots are shocked to learn Jesse may have an entire other family — and life — out there.
• Krystal and Adam aren’t over — at all. Sorry Tad.
• Petey is struck by lightning, but instead of being transported to 1968, he develops superpowers (no, seriously that’s from the show)! Colby likes how everything on his body, um, grows.
• Taylor and Jake have to deal with that twit Amanda before they reunite in Springfield, N.Y.
• JR and Babe are headed to the altar. Will the third time be the charm? Most important, will anyone care?
WHAT I SAY: Tornado season arrives!
• Martha Byrne is recast as Hayley Santos. Kelly Ripa consequently goes insane and holds Brian Frons hostage.
• A tornado arrives in Port Valley and kills in no particular order: Amanda, Dre, Kendall, Greenlee, Aidan, Randi, Colby, Babe, Jack, Megan McTavish, and anyone else who dares to annoy me. And yes, that includes Ryan.
• Skye Chandler comes back — and it’s revealed Adam is really her father, not GH’s Alan Quartermaine. Linda Dano (Ray) also returns but she’s recast as Myrtle Fargate. Discuss.
• Dixie convinces David to make Tad pay for every stupid thing he’s ever done by stalking him.
• Annie loses the baby, and stops being such a bitch. And then Pratt officially pisses me off.
• Annie or Greenlee? Ryan has another enlightening moment — he’s really in love with Zach. Then Carmen. Oh no, it’s really Julie Chen he loves, really. Tune in tomorrow… or not.
AS THE WORLD TURNS, CBS/Global
”We have a lot of very dramatic twists and turns in relationships. There’s a lot of big story. I think that every character during the course of the fall has a lot of major events one form or another,” enthuses scribe Jean Passanante.
Translation: Except for Noah and Luke — duh!
WHAT THEY SAY: Jack and Carly redux!
• Jack and Carly grow closer when Brad implicates G.I. Joe in a scandal he created. Jack and Janet may not survive this ordeal, which involves Liberty. Shocker… not!
• Will Dusty’s return break up Emily and Casey? And will anyone care?
• Alison dumps Aaron before they wed when Chris explodes: “Hairy chest or shaved, bitch? Decide now!”
• Lucinda is Oakdale’s hottest cougar when Brian makes her his bitch.
• Henry’s life is turned upside down thanks to James. Look for a new character named Derek to be a catalyst in this story.
• Will Meg carry her baby to term? Let’s hope not.
• Stop the presses: Luke and Noah face their biggest challenge ever: their second year of college!
• A Snyder family tragedy rocks Oakdale to its core!
WHAT I SAY: Martha Byrne is back as… Rose!
• Martha Byrne returns as Rose!
• Noah and Luke decide to leave Oakdale when they perfect a fabulous drag act! Later, Noah realizes: “I’m straight, ‘yo!” Luke suffers a nervous breakdown when he realizes Liberty and Lucinda get more action than he does and he becomes a Rev. Phelps disciple. ATWT fans flock to Night Shift. Or watch Passions re-runs.
• Damian returns to win Lily’s heart — and wins it. Later, he bangs Oakdale’s biggest slut, Carly. Poor Lily!
• The writers penning the sensational Carly-Holden-Lily and Emily-Chris-Margo storylines are forced to write the rest of the show and Irna Phillips finally rests in peace.
THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, CBS/CTV
“Summer may be over but shocking events, passion and major confrontations will continue to heat up the fall,” promises Bradley Bell.
Translation: I should have hired Hogan Sheffer as my co-head; damn you, Maria!
WHAT THEY SAY: Stephanie destroys Donna!
• Nick avoids telling his wife, Bridget he slept with a dying, very pale, but sexy Katie, who is now preggers with his baby.
• Rick accidentally ignites a new battle for baby Jack! Brooke and Taylor declare war. Nick? Not so much — he has his hands full.
• Owen and Donna have sex while some pervert watches.
• Stephanie ousts Donna from the Forrester Family!
WHAT I SAY: Kay Alden is fired!
• Martha Byrne joins the show as its new executive producer after Kay Alden is canned by Brad Bell, who returns as head writer full time and all is write with the show.
• When Brad Bell asks Lesli Kay (Felicia) to go up to the Forrester attic to find a storyline, she never returns!
• Katie dies in childbirth and America rejoices! Heather Tom replaces Amelia Heinle as Victoria on Y&R and world peace is restored! And Ellen Wheeler was not involved.
• Taylor has an affair with Marcus, while Rick bangs Steffy! In retaliation, Phoebe sucks the life out of a Broadway show.
• Once again, and in the most contrived effort ever, Brooke breaks up with Ridge before reuniting with him two weeks later. After yet another engagement, Brooke breaks up with Ridge because it’s sweeps. “You’ll be on the edge of your seat,” predicts Bell.
• Stephanie goes to jail after she inadvertently kills baby Jack, rapes Donna, and blows up Forrester Creations. Oh, and runs as John McCain’s vice-president. “Ooops!” Happy retirement Susan!
DAYS OF OUR LIVES, NBC/Global
“I have decided that it’s in the best interest of the show’s future to make this change in order to improve Days both visually and emotionally,” says exec producer Ken Corday. “We at Days are grateful to Ed Scott for all of his contributions and amazing energy over the past year. Gary Tomlin brings a long successful history of being an actor’s producer and a writer’s producer to our cast and crew and I know the viewers will see the immediate results of this change for the better.”
Translation: I’m on vacation — leave me the hell alone! Does anyone have James E. Reilly’s phone number?
WHAT THEY SAY: Someone dies!
• After her affair with Daniel Kasnoff is exposed, Kate learns devastating news!
• Trent goes insane and targets Nick and Melanie.
• The big four are only played during sweeps.
• Blah, blah, blah — it depends on who’s writing the show this week.
• Someone dies and comes back from the dead.
WHAT I SAY: Kate is pregnant!
• Martha Byrne is cast as Abby Deveraux!
• Dena Higley earns the best reviews of her career when “Marlena faces her biggest challenge yet: She develops cerebral palsy.”
• Kate learns she’s pregnant with Daniel’s baby. Alison Sweeney absconds with Lauren Koslow’s pregnancy pad.
• Viewers learn the big diva writing the show is none other than Frances Reid (Alice)!
• During a leisurely drive, Chelsea kills Morgan, Melanie, Trent, and every other twit who annoys the hell out of me. Including its head writer, whomever that is this week.
• Orpheus returns and announces: “John, I am your father.” Soap Opera Digest makes millions.
• Abe and Marlena fall in love, which lead John and Lexie to have sex.
• Wayne Northrop returns as Roman, and Josh Taylor’s one-note version of the character is erased from all our memories, DiMera style!
GENERAL HOSPITAL, ABC/CTV
“It’s a hot time in the ol’ town this fall,” head writer Robert Guza announces.
Translation: I’ll be working out my issues with violence with my viewers instead of a therapist. Hey, it’s way cheaper.
WHAT THEY SAY: Baby Scorpio arrives in October!
• As Jerry courts Alexis with an increased fervor, his true colours will be revealed to the audience.
• Don’t expect Robin to change her mind anytime soon regarding her decision to not marry Patrick. The Scorpio-Drake bambino pops out this October!
• Shocker: the mob continues their iron hold over Port Charles. During Sonny and Kate’s nuptials, the Karpov mob puts Sonny and Jason at odds like never before.
• Because we don’t have enough mobsters to tolerate: Vincent Pastore debuts as Maximus Giambetti, Max and Milo’s father. Naturally, Maximus falls in love with Diane (because she’s so desperate after all…). He first airs on Sept. 15. Can’t wait.
• GH fans rejoice: The Quartermaines are back when Edward tries to get out of jury duty, while Monica tries to stay sober.
• Johnny goes on trial for Logan’s murder. Lulu continues her campaign for an Emmy by shrieking a lot. And I mean, a lot!
• The Spencers reunite for two minutes before GH comes to their senses.
WHAT I SAY: Brenda is Jagger’s baby mommy!
• Daytimeconfidential.com’s Jamey Giddens exclusively reports Martha Byrne has signed on to play Lois Cerullo before she is shot dead by the Russian mob. Or Laura Wright.
• Just as Shannen Doherty makes her 90210 comeback as Brenda, Vanessa Marcil returns to Port Charles as Ms. Barrett — the woman who gave birth to Jagger’s son, Stone! Scandalous….
• GH convinces Finola Hughes to stay on their canvas throughout the rest of the year for “her big fall storyline,” which includes bringing down the mob with Jagger. Antonio Sabato Jr. recurs on GH after NS ends. And so does Chad Allen and what’s-his-name.
• Jax and Carly continue to bore the hell out of viewers.
• At the altar, Sonny runs out on Kate and tells Jason, “Boo, it’s you I want.” They snuggle before GH fades to black.
• Inspired by Sonny and Jason’s brokeback love, Diane and Alexis learn how to pronounce the L word.
• GH brings Laura and Luke together before Genie Francis is let go once again for being “too fat.” Francis stabs Bob Guza in the heart with her Emmy and is sent to jail. “It was worth it,” she screams to People.
• Sam is raped, and Lucky helps her through it, but under his breath young master Spencer utters: “Why does Steve Burton get all the cool stories and the Emmy?”
• Bobbie is shot 456 times in the face, before she is run over 125 times by a semi-truck. “It’s the most emotional story we’ve ever told,” highlights Guza.
GUIDING LIGHT, CBS/Global
“This fall will be about fresh starts, unholy alliances, front-and-centre families and lots of couples,” previews Jill Lorie Hurst, GL’s 579th head writer.
Translation: We’re so getting cancelled it’s not even funny.
WHAT THEY SAY: Reva eats chips!
• People doing ordinary things leads to extraordinary results. Love can save the world, but Ellen Wheeler can save the universe.
• Reva and Jeffrey are getting married — with or without Josh’s approval. Also, who will stand by Reva if her cancer returns?
• Are Cassie and Cyrus each other’s soulmates?
• Alan returns to his evil ways and life finally returns to normal.
• Lizzie and Bill finally inch closer to a future together — encountering a few bumps along the way.
• Dinah finds herself at war with Bill — and alone once again.
WHAT I SAY: Ashlee disappears!
• Martha Byrne is recast as Harley, but P&G soon fires her because she asks for a subway token to get to New Jersey so she can sweat her balls off.
• In a New York Times front-page news story, TeleNext publicity proclaims: “Ellen Wheeler has found a cure for cancer!”
• Viewers are on the edge of their seat when GL promises Gus and Harley’s house will finally be completed. Surprise — another lie: it never happens.
• This fall, Gus and Harley are referred to in story as “those traitors.”
• Ashlee becomes so thin that when she turns sideways, she’s invisible!
• Cassie dies in a very violent and gruesome death. And Reva’s the one who kills her. This very special episode is sponsored by Laura Wright.
• GL gains five viewers after they re-hire Grant Aleksander (Phillip) and Rick Hearst (Alan-Michael).
ONE LIFE TO LIVE, ABC/A
Head cheese Ron Carlivati says in his best polka-dot outfit and offensive straw hat that, “Rex, Gigi and Brody are definitely a big part of the canvas, as well as Starr’s pregnancy and Clint trying to find another way to get back BE.”
Translation: Damn Gary Tomlin!
WHAT THEY SAY: Clint versus Dorian!
• Clint seeks revenge by inviting Langston’s uncle, Ray Montez back to town. Dorian likes what she sees and suggests a weekend in Santa Barbara.
• Rex has wet dreams about Colin and/or Troy. He makes it a foursome when he invites Jen into this nightmare.
• Adriana returns to win an Emmy.
• Tess and Todd become the new David and Dorian.
• Andrea Evans collects a big fact paycheque trying to make coffee as Tina.
WHAT I SAY: Eterna returns!
• Martha Byrne joins the cast as Cassie Cramer.
• Andrea Evans gets the storyline of her career when Tina Lord Roberts finds out that horn dog Cole impregnated little David Vickers. Or so she thinks…
• What’s better than one Manning? Roger Howarth returns as Todd’s good twin, Tony Manning! Flanview learns Irene gave birth to twins fathered by Victor Lord or someone in that family.
• Bree Williamson is fired in favour of Erin Torpey. Don’t worry — Williamson is soon recast as Sarah Roberts.
• Viki comes back from Africa with a free O subscription, but no one realizes she’s Niki Smith again — even though she’s wearing a spiky blonde wig and a hooker outfit. “Something’s off with her lately,” bemuses Natalie.
• Rex and Gigi fall through a hole on Llantano Mountain — and re-discover Eterna. Paul Rauch greets them happily.
• Todd crosses the line when he delivers Starr’s baby!
• John wears a white shirt!
• Cole marries Marcie so he can raise his baby.
• Dorian falls in love with a new billionaire named Blake Carrington.
• Head writer Ron Carlivati is struck by lightning and finds himself in soap heaven. To his surprise he encounters Brian Frons, not Agnes Nixon. Thankfully, Frons allows Carlivati to go back in time and erase all traces of Mendorra — and Gary Tomlin.
• David Vickers comes back to town and learns John Brotherton (Jared/Clint) is his father.
THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, CBS/Global
“You can expect a lot of incredible romance this fall,” co-head writer Maria Arena Bell declares. “There’s also a lot of psychological intrigue.”
Translation: Well, at least backstage. And anything you’ve heard Josh Griffith say is a lie.
WHAT THEY SAY: It’s war!
• It’s Adam versus the Newmans.
• It’s Jack/Sharon versus Phyllis/Nick.
• It’s Lily/Cane versus Chloe.
• It’s Daniel/Amber versus A Bad Recast.
• It’s Tyra versus Karen.
• It’s Gloria/Jeffrey versus the World.
• It’s Brad versus Jill/Katherine.
• It’s Maria versus Josh versus Hoagie!
WHAT I SAY: The real Phillip returns
• Ashley returns to save Victor’s soul. Is there a reunion in Paris?
• Nikki and Shia LaBeouf become BFFs!
• Phyllis learns to smile.
• Y&R realizes Cane is a Chancellor and pairs him with women his own age — until Thom Bierdz returns as the original Phillip’s twin and then Y&R pairs Cane with Ana.
• Michael learns Hogan Sheffer is his real father.
• Jeffrey freaks out when Gloria begins resembling Valene Ewing!
• Daniel and Kevin cross the line — Nuke-style!
• Nick learns Adam is a fraud; Cane is really Hope and Victor’s child! Damn that blind woman!
• Chloe is preggers with Billy’s child — and we learn she’s Esther’s crazy daughter!
