The Suds Report - Oct2/09

SUDSIEST QUOTES OF THE WEEK:
“It won’t be lesbians gone wild. [Laughs] Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve been at a couple of those parties, that’s all I’m sayin.’
—Crystal Chappell in TV Guide Magazine regarding how steamy Venice will get
Translation: Ellen Wheeler throws the best parties!

“He is the CSI lead of daytime. All he does is stare and pull of his sunglasses. Stare and pull off his sunglasses. Stare and pull of his sunglasses. Stare and pull of his sunglasses — minus the sunglasses!”
—Luke Kerr on daytimeconfidential.com regarding One Life’s Michael Easton’s John McBain
Translation: Brian Frons loves a complicated leading man.

“He’s like Amy Winehouse.”
—Luke Kerr on daytimeconfidential.com referring to Lucas on DAYS
Translation: Minus the sex life.

“It’s so annoying! I can’t even tell you …”
—Y&R's Christel Khalil on BuzzWorthy Radio regarding wearing her bald cap during Lily’s cancer storyline
Translation: This acting thing is like, totally hard, man! Like harder than cancer …

“Nelson sounds a little, I don’t know, common.”
—GH’s Drew Garrett Nelson discussing why he dropped his last name in the pages of Soaps In Depth
Translation: It also sounds bitchy and gay.

“My favourite thing to do is take villains and make them human.”
—AMC hack Chuck Pratt on the latest twist in Madison’s storyline in Digest
Translation: What came first — the human or the villain? Don’t ask me because humanity has eluded me all my life.

“There are rumours out there about me bring fired; it’s not true. It’s story-driven.”
—Austin Peck in Digest regarding his exit on World Turns
Translation: That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Also, English was never my strong suit. [Ed. note: If you didn’t quit, you were fired, buddy].

AWARDS SHOW CENTRAL
The World Magic Awards welcomes sudsy presenters!
Abracadabra! Eric Braeden, Sharon Case, Kristoff St. John, Corbin Bernsen, and Carolyn Hennesey will be presenters at the upcoming World Magic Awards, which airs Nov.19 on MyNetwork. I wonder if one of the soap stars could ask one of the magicians to magically increase the soap ratings?

THE IDIOT RATINGS
Winner — Colleen's death boosts Y&R!
Loser — Oh, crap: One Life last-rated soap overall!
From Soap Opera Network

Total Viewers (Compared to Last Week/Compared to Last Year)
1. Y&R 5,278,000 (+276,000/+83,000)
2. B&B 3,386,000 (+40,000/-226,000)
3. DAYS 2,864,000 (-6,000/+293,000)
4. GH 2,670,000 (-32,000/-111,000)
5. ATWT 2,554,000 (+66,000/-180,000)
6. AMC 2,522,000 (-76,000/+179,000)
7. OLTL 2,462,000 (-100,000/-15,000)

Household Rating (Compared to Last Week/Compared to Last Year)
1. Y&R 3.8/13 (+.2/+.1)
2. B&B 2.5/8 (+.1/-.1)
3. DAYS 2.1/7 (same/+.2)
4. AMC 2.0/7 (+.1/+.2)
4. GH 2.0/6 (same/-.2)
6. OLTL 1.9/7 (-.1/same)
6. ATWT 1.9/6 (+.1/-.1)

*TVGuide.ca values viewers of all shapes, colours, sexualities, and ages, which is why we print the total viewing audience tallies. Screw you, Madison Avenue! We’re not buying your bull anymore. And memo to soaps: perhaps you should start selling ad space that cater to older, gay, and black audiences. You know, the people who actually watch this garbage! These are desperate times — you can’t afford to turn away any revenue streams available.

All My Children, A/ABC — The worst show on TV!
• Which major AMC star is worrying her castmates with her erratic, non-sensical behaviour? “We think she’s on drugs. Her skin is a dead giveaway. She’s increasingly irrational and forgetful. That, or she’s completely nuts,” the mole suggests.

• Never trust a major network. In its press release trumpeting which stars will be making the historic move to L.A. at the end of this year, Alicia Minshew’s name was on the statement as being on “maternity leave.” However, Suds has learned that ABC didn’t want to announce that she and Thorsten Kaye, who, as we previously reported, would not make the move, have quit the show together. A source close to Minshew states, “ABC isn’t taking no for answer! They suggested to Lish to have the baby first, then decide, like she can’t think straight. But Alicia wants out even though she plans on briefly returning to wrap up her storyline. Her husband just bought his third restaurant in New York City, and she doesn’t want to spend her baby’s first year on a plane.” And star on one of the worst shows in the history of television.

• Take that, Chuck Pratt and Brian Frons: TV Guide Canada will no longer be watching AMC or covering the show in Soapgeist. In light of ABC’s rumoured decision to save the worst show in television over the best show on daytime TV, I’m throwing my entire support to One Life. Sometimes, you have to turn off a show to save it because ratings speak is the only language this network understands. There is no logical reason why Brian Frons should cancel One Life over AMC. Well, except for the fact that Fronzie isn't BFFs with One Life’s show runners. No, his bromances star the likes of hacks, AMC’s Pratt and GH’s Bob Guza because they campaigned to get him this job when Frons couldn’t get arrested. Mark my words, friendships will destroy this industry.

I will only turn back AMC when Chuck Pratt is fired. I don’t get paid enough to watch this garbage. Suds will still report on all the latest behind-the-scenes happenings each Friday, but critically, there isn’t much more to say other than everyone needs to turn off this show ASAP. Well, whoever is still watching. Who else wants to join me? To paraphrase DC.com’s Jamey Giddens, “Where are you, Megan McTavish? All is forgiven! Please come back!” Yep, that’s how bad Chuck Pratt is. It’s so bad that even my dog wouldn’t want to defecate in that town!

• Despite ABC’s assertion that all contract players would be invited to move to La La Land with the worst show on television at the end of this year, AMC has let Ray McDonnell go. The original cast member will be written out in a dignified and classy manner (yeah, right!) when the Chief of Staff officially retires. Expect Ruth and Joe to live happily ever after off-screen when their characters leave town to travel the world. ABC will be turning Joe’s retirement into a big event with a week-long series of episodes. FYI: Did you know that McDonnell was the second highest paid actor on the show? “Ray was making around a million dollars a year — just a little bit less than Susan. Of course he didn’t work a lot, but … ,” says a source.
 
• Freedom of speech has its consequences. Ah, only in America. So was Beth Ehlers fired or did she quit? Figure it out yourself. Ehlers told SOAPnet.com, “After many conversations with AMC it was mutually decided that I would no longer play the role of Lt. Taylor Thompson and would not relocate my family to the West Coast. I was very proud to give a voice to Lt. Taylor Thompson and hope I conveyed the courage, sacrifice, and fortitude of the brave members of our military and their families. To my new friends and colleagues I met at AMC and ABC during these past 18 months, I wish you much love and continued success. And lastly, a big hug to my fans! I'll see you soon!” We’re not worried about the insanely talented Ehlers, she’ll land somewhere very soon. And at least she’s no longer working on the worst show on TV.

• You are about to get sleepy, very sleepy … Listen to me very carefully: If you are reading this, you will watch One Life To Live every single day and never turn it off. If you don’t, I will print nude pictures of Brian Frons and Ellen Wheeler every week until One Life’s ratings beat GH and AMC permanently.

• “Every time a hair model is fired, a blogger gets his wings,” wrote Jamey Giddens when he broke the news that Brianne Moncrief was leaving AMC. Daytimeconfidential.com quotes their source as saying, “The All My Children actors are pretty pissed off at [Brian] Frons. All that talk about everyone on contract being offered a relocation deal was total BS. They are using this move as a way to clean house!” And afford Becky Budig and Eden Riegel.

• Soap hopper and Soap Opera Spirit Award winner BethAnn Bonner will make her AMC debut in the recurring role of Kat, who will figure into Kendall and Aidan's storyline. Don’t be surprised if Bonner lands a contract if everything works out. Poor thing was fired from the best show on daytime for two of the worst shows on TV, GL and AMC. Personally, Bonner should be focused on prime time and film, but what do I know?

• What took her so long? During this week’s ABC daytimeconfidential.com podcast, writer David Ozanich says the buzz over at ABC is that Kelly Ripa may be reprising her Emmy-nominated role as Hayley before the show moves out west for a few guest-star appearances. Don’t do it, Kelly — visit Llanview instead.

As The World Turns, Global/CBS — Justin Deas Oakdale bound?
• Apparently, World Turns is trying to land Justin Deas in a new role, despite the fact that the actor won an Emmy playing the role of Tom Hughes.

• You are about to get sleepy, very sleepy … Listen to me very carefully: If you are reading this, you will watch One Life To Live every single day and never turn it off. If you don’t, I will print nude pictures of Brian Frons and Ellen Wheeler every week until One Life’s ratings beat GH and AMC permanently.

• That was fast! Stuart Damon and Lynn Herring have finished up their short-term gigs as “Alan” and “Lucy”. However, Suds hears that the top brass of idiots on World Turns want Herring to stay on their soap long term. For once, we agree on something.
 
• Which World Turns fan favourite has been making an almost daily ritual of showing up on set hung over and half out of it?

• Typecast, much? Emmy winner Tom Pelphrey is telling pals that his new role, Mick, will be evil. Like, Barbara Bloom evil! On a related note, I’ve lost respect for Pelphrey for choosing to work for the same company that destroyed the show that made him a superstar and an Emmy winner. If I hear him regale David Kreizman’s writing talents one more time, I’m going to go postal. But then again, this is the same guy who dated hair model Stephanie Gatschet over Gina Tognoni! Enough said.

The Bold and the Beautiful, CTV/CBS — Hunter Tylo take notes! • Hurray! I’d forgotten what good news feels like! Lately, 90 per cent of soap news is depressing, but this delicious piece of casting news made my week! B&B has confirmed that Sarah Brown has been signed to play Jack Wagner’s new love interest, Sandy Sommers (hate the name, BTW), as Soapgeist hinted this past Monday. Yep, we’ve got Emmy queens Susan Flannery and Sarah Brown on the same show! Hey, Jack Wagner — it’s time to wake up! There’s a real actor in your midst. From hair model extraordinaire, Hunter Tylo, to one of the most talented actors on the planet, Ms. Brown — not bad, buddy! • This is interesting: Jim Storm will appear as the recently deceased Bill Spencer Sr. on Oct. 9. Which reminds me — Where in hope and faith is Joanna Johnson? Wasn’t she supposed to return?

Days of our Lives, Global/NBC — Chappell of our Lives: Today Carly returns to DAYS!
• Ivan who? Carly’s nemesis Vivian Alamain will have a new cohort named Gus, who will be the campy villainess’s talk-to. Look for our exclusive interview with daytime’s most powerful player this Wednesday. And don’t worry — I won’t be asking the same boring questions everyone else has been asking La Chappell, who has been on a press tour to end all press tours! I’m dying to see the ratings for DAYS next week! Otalia fans, daytime needs you to produce a ratings miracle, so tune in today, or I’ll feed you to Ellen Wheeler!

• You are about to get sleepy, very sleepy … Listen to me very carefully: If you are reading this, you will watch One Life To Live every single day and never turn it off. If you don’t, I will print nude pictures of Brian Frons and Ellen Wheeler every week until One Life’s ratings beat GH and AMC permanently.

Daytimeconfidential.com — Best rant ever!
• “Chuck Pratt has got to go. Period. He should never be allowed to pick up a keyboard ever again,” screamed Jamey Giddens on ABC’s must-hear podcast earlier this week. Giddens pulls a Susan Flannery over the current state of AMC and refuses to turn on the show again (I guess that makes me Katherine Kelly Lang, but I’ll take it). Inspired by the rant heard around the world, TVGuide.ca is also boycotting AMC until head hack Chuck Pratt is fired. If you don’t listen to this award-worthy podcast, you’ll regret it!

• You are about to get sleepy, very sleepy … Listen to me very carefully: If you are reading this, you will watch One Life To Live every single day and never turn it off. If you don’t, I will print nude pictures of Brian Frons and Ellen Wheeler every week until One Life’s ratings beat GH and AMC permanently.

General Hospital, CTV/A — Revolving door on crack! Franco is Slumdog Millionaire! • Elizabeth Taylor who? Just when you think you’ve heard it all. Headed to the Port Chuck Express is film star, James Franco, in a two-month role opposite Jason Morgan. Seriously. Apparently, Franco is researching an upcoming role as a soap star and he wanted to milk all the research he could get by joining Hair Model City and slumming it with the best of them on-screen. However, the Golden Globe winner’s soap jump is not the most shocking part of the news. The most shocking part of the news is that The Biggest Loser’s Jillian Michaels broke the news when she was having dinner with ex-GH superstar Vanessa Marcil! This Twitter phenomenon has to be pissing off Hollywood publicists, huh? Anyway, the best news is that Michaels claims that La Marcil says she would return to GH just to be able to work with Franco! Well, duh! God forbid she return to the show that made her a superstar when it needs her more than ever ratings wise! Look for Franco to first air on Nov. 20 for about two months. • Since Cougar Town is doing relatively well in the ratings (watch Modern Family, too, by the way — it’s one of the best shows on TV), could we be seeing less of Carolyn Hennesy on GH? The Soap Opera Spirit Award winner tells ourprattville.com that she’d sign a contract on Cougar Town. “Absolutely, I would love to be a series reg. But this whole 'quitting' thing is just not in the lexicon regarding soaps. Once the soap world has you, they don’t let go. I could be doing CT for seven years, and the next year Diane could be back in Port Charles … having just returned from doing missionary work in the Congo. Or some such act of martyrdom and selflessness.” If you haven’t already, don’t forget to run out and buy Hennesy’s brilliant children books, the Pandora series. Hennesy tells Suds exclusively that her new tome will be titled, Pandora Gets Nelly. Or something like that. • As much as everyone loves the nicest man in daytime, Greg Vaughan, everyone is overjoyed that Emmy winner Jonathan Jackson will be reprising his iconic role of Lucky Spencer this fall! Unfortunately that means that Vaughan is out. But don’t worry, Greg — Suds hears ABC wants to keep you in their lineup because they don’t want to lose you or your fan following. Hmmm … Jamie Martin sounds like the perfect role for Vaughn. Can you imagine the two former Luckys doing battle in the same scene as Jacob Young and Vaughan go head-to-head? Jackson tells TV Guide Magazine’s Michael Logan that he always knew deep down he’d return to play Luke and Laura’s son: “I guess I always felt like there was a possibility somewhere,” he said, adding, “just because of the connection the audience has with Lucky, and with me playing him. So, yeah, I always felt it was a possibility. I was determined to work with Tony Geary again no matter what. It’s shocking how everything has aligned.” Memo to GH: I hope you guys know Jackson’s return will not pack the same punch without Genie Francis to welcome him back home! So work on that, kids.

• Is GH finally starting to fight for its life? Over the past couple of weeks, GH has been on fire thanks to Spixie’s romantic non-wedding (2009 Best-and-Worst-List alert), Dominic’s secrets, Alexis and Sonny rehashing their past, and anything involving superstar of tomorrow, Drew Garrett (what a face!). Overnight, it seems like GH found its heart and soul again. Let’s see how long this lasts! Here’s a shout-out for Emmy-winning scribe, Michelle Val Jean, who penned the Spixie nuptials. Remind me again why this talented pen master isn’t head-writing a soap?

• You are about to get sleepy, very sleepy … Listen to me very carefully: If you are reading this, you will watch One Life To Live every single day and never turn it off. If you don’t, I will print nude pictures of Brian Frons and Ellen Wheeler every week until One Life’s ratings beat GH and AMC permanently.

One Life To Live, ABC — Are you watching One Life?
• Listen to me very carefully Ron Carlivati. All your problems will be solved by doing one thing: recast Terrell Tillford with Emmy winner Monti Sharp. You can thank me later. I knew Réal Andrews was the right actor for this part, but no one listens to me!

• Instant reaction: I will be tweeting during One Life each weekday live, so start following SudsReport on Twitter for a hilarious recounting of Llanview happenings — if I do say so myself.

• You are about to get very sleepy … Listen to me very carefully: If you are reading this, you hopefully already watch One Life To Live every single day so don’t stop. If you don’t watch it religiously, start; otherwise I will print nude pictures of Brian Frons and Ellen Wheeler every week until One Life’s ratings beat GH and AMC permanently.

• After Soapgeist’s column on Monday aired, pandemonium and panic set in at the 66th Street studios when we quoted an insider confirming daytimeconfidential.com’s report that One Life will be more likely cancelled next spring. My source claims he heard it from Brian Frons himself, so let’s all band together and encourage everyone to watch daytime’s best soap, Friday Night Lights-style. Heck, even Perez Hilton linked the story, so this could be a good opportunity to do what GL fans couldn’t (we have the lead time, unlike the P&G soap).

More worrisome is ABC’s reaction to my report. Instead of denying it, ABC just stated what fans already know in a passive-aggressive press statement: “The only upcoming move One Life is making is to the All My Children stage after that series relocates to Los Angeles. This will give One Life more room and increase their production value.” Well, stop the presses! ABC is probably worried the press will call them out when the show is cancelled next year, à la Ellen Wheeler/Barbara Bloom.

In good news, One Life enjoyed the best third quarter in SOAPnet history. In fact, it was the most watched soap on the increasingly un-sudsy network. • How much you wanna bet that head writer Ron Carlivati is heading towards a John and Natalie reunion? I have a feeling that the Emmy winner has finally relented to the fans who still vote for John and Natalie as the No. 1 couple on One Life in all the soap magazines — four years after they broke up! Smart move. They bored me to death but in this age, why not give the fans what they want? Even if it means John Brotherton’s ass is on the unemployment line?

Venice, venicetheseries.com —The real reason why Branson replaced Cosgrove!
• When does Crystal Chappell find time to sleep? The Suds Report has exclusively learned why Emmy winner Jeff Branson replaced Daniel Cosgrove as Gina's brother. Cosgrove couldn’t make the week-long Venice taping in October because the Emmy-nominated actor booked a big guest star role on Christian Slater’s The Forgotten! Meanwhile, look for a must-read interview with La Chappell this Wednesday! It’ll make you happy in all the right places!

The Young and the Restless, CBS/Global — Lauralee Bell and Chris Engen sitting in a tree … • Future Emmy winner Michael Muhney is knocking it out of the park! And executive producer Paul Rauch agrees. Rauch tells Suds, “Michael is a very good actor. We’re lucky we found him. Michael really cares about the material and the show, so he’ll enjoy a very long and prosperous future on our show.” Isn’t it ironic that the very fate Adam’s mother, Hope, feared is happening to her son despite her moving him out of Victor’s universe as a child? Yet conversely, his other children, Victoria, Nick, and Abby are nothing like their father even though they grew up with the control freak? Brilliant. “Expect some amazing performances from Muhney,” teases Rauch. “Now that the fans have adjusted to the sudden and abrupt recast, we’re taking Adam and Michael to the next level in the next few months.”

Plus, how do you guys know that Rowell won’t change her tune this time around? I have all the confidence in the world that Paul Rauch and Maria Arena Bell can handle Rowell. We’re not curing cancer here, idiots. I want my Drucilla back, damn it and I’m not taking no for an answer. If not, we’ll see you cancelled in three to five years.

• You are about to get sleepy, very sleepy … Listen to me very carefully: If you are reading this, you will watch One Life To Live every single day and never turn it off. If you don’t, I will print nude pictures of Brian Frons and Ellen Wheeler every week until One Life’s ratings beat GH and AMC permanently.

• Sharon Case is performing her little heart out as Sharon learns she “lost” her baby. “This storyline is exciting,” Case tells Suds. But when I informed Case that Morrow endorsed a Phyllis-Nick pairing in a recent Soap Opera Digest story, her fighting words came out! “Oh, he did, did he?” the Emmy winner laughed and joked. “I’m going to get him for that!” Maybe Case will spit on Morrow! As for the recent controversy of actors influencing storyline, Case raises an interesting point. “Writers should have autonomy over scripts unless an actor has a really good idea, but as actors, sometimes we’re too close to the role to be objective,” she opines.
 
• Damn that sexy bastard, Billy Miller! How lucky are we to have the pleasure of watching such a fine actor like Miller on our screens? In the hands of any other actor, I would be hating on Billy Abbott now. Why? Well, for starters, his treatment of Chloe is bordering on masochistic, and yet the spoiled, selfish rich man-whore had the audacity to criticize Victor Newman and his treatment of women? However, I cannot help but love Miller and that brat, Billy! Good work. My favourite line of the week?  Determined to stop Victor from accepting Colleen’s heart, Billy said, “That old man's time is up. I say give him a bucket, let him kick it.”

• Fans are up in arms over Y&R’s decision to kill off another legacy character, Colleen Carlton. I, too, think it was a foolish decision. I suspect that Y&R wrote Colleen’s death in order to secure their Emmy reel submissions next year. While the series of episodes were stunning from a writing and acting perspective (Beth Maitland — get your Emmy speech ready if Stacy Haiduk isn’t nominated), I think Y&R shot themselves in the foot — especially after Brad’s almost identical death earlier this year. Why? In a similar situation and plot set-up, I’ve always thought that Y&R’s endgame should have Jack die and give his heart to Victor on the soap’s final episode. This would accomplish two things — the natural born loser would finally become a hero, and Victor Newman would have to live with the fact that the man he despises and has no respect for’s heart is beating inside of him. That, and the fact that Jack would love being inside the man he has been eternally obsessed with! Does Victor even know who Colleen is? There’s just something icky about Victor having a little girl’s heart inside of him. It’s gross. Maybe Eric Braeden will start speaking in an Aussie accent!

• The gay community’s BFF, Chris Engen, can be next seen on the big screen. The actor is starring as Virgil, one of two primary lead roles in Easy Rider: The Ride Back, a sequel/prequel to Easy Rider, the 1969 counter-culture flick that made icons out of Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper. The film, which was also stars Lauralee Bell, ironically enough, will be shown at the 2009 Cannes Film Festival. Yesterday, the film was released in select cities.

SOAP OPERA MYSTERY HOUR — This week’s blind items
—Which returning soap super-hunk has been nicknamed “12-pack” by some of his co-workers — but even though he has killer abs, that’s not what they are referring to.

—Which soap superstar says that she’s humiliated and ashamed of the garbage dialogue she’s been given and actually apologizes to her castmates and crew before and after her scenes are filmed? And yes, it’s who you think it is.

—Which east-coast character actress will be returning to her show before the end of the year to help tell a major paternity storyline?

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Nelson Branco is a Toronto freelance entertainment journalist, who regularly contributes to Hello! Canada, The National Post, The Los Angeles Times' theenvelope.com, TV Guide USA, tvguide.com, Inside Entertainment, OUT, and fab magazine, along with spearheading the soap coverage for TVGuide.ca's popular daytime TV hub. After graduating from Ryerson University in 1997, he moved from Toronto to New York in 1998 to take on the roles as senior news editor at Soap Opera Update. Branco first freelanced for Soap Opera Weekly as an intern in 1994, and after leaving Soap Update to help create and launch Bauer Publishing's In Touch Weekly in 2003, Branco continued to freelance occasionally for its sister publication, Soaps In Depth. Most recently, he helped create and launch Canada's first celebrity magazine, Weekly Scoop in 2005 as its news and entertainment director. Branco is also a contributor to a new TV show titled Planet Soap to air in Canada and America.