The Suds Report

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
“I thought I’d have more hair in heaven.”
OLTL’s Mark Derwin (Ben) in Soap Opera Digest

All My Children, A/ABC — Ehlers odd man out?
Poor Beth Ehlers (Taylor)! The former P&G victim is going to face stiff competition for the affections of new/old leading man, Ricky Paull Goldin (Jake). According to this week’s Soap Opera Weekly, Goldin and Aiden Turner (Aidan) are having “a bromance.” Says Turner, “I’m cheating on Michael E. Knight!” Goldin retorts, “We’re a super-couple. [You have] to!” Now if only AMC can ellcit this kind of romance and intrigue on camera, then we’d have a soap!

According to Soap Opera Digest, new head writer Charles Pratt Jr. has moved Adam and Erica back to the front burner. Genius, huh?

As The World Turns, Global/CBS — Martha Byrne, where are you?
In the “who cares?” department: Roger Howarth (Paul) and Marie Wilson (Meg) are not dating in real life, the Canadian star announces to Soap Opera Weekly. Wow, you mean someone out there actually knows they’re alive?

That prop Chris Heuisler (Cole) won’t be staying long in Oakdale. Hurray!

The imposter playing Lily learns Holden slept with Carly this week. Zzzz…

Check out Monday’s Nelson Ratings for my huge rave on this year’s best storyline, so far. Colleen Zenk Pinter (Barbara) wasn’t too far off when she previewed a Douglas Marland-esque scene on the CBS sudser.

How much do you want to bet that those P&G publicists are going to spin their ratings nosedive on the fact that Nuke are now allowed to kiss and not because of the fact that viewers left in droves after Martha Byrne (ex-Lily) was kicked out?

The Bold and the Beautiful, CTV/CBS — The Bad and the Boring
This just in: one of my favourite soaps, B&B is simply unwatchable! How bad is it? It’s so bad I’d rather hang out with CBS VP, Barbara Bloom…

Check out Entertainment Tonight Canada on Friday, July 11 when the entertainment news show chronicles Jacqueline MacInnes Wood on the B&B set playing her breakout character, Steffy.

Days of Our Lives, GLOBAL/NBC — The Disc of Our Lives
Marianne Muellerleile goes postal on July 15 opposite Philip and Morgan. The actress continues to recur on Passions as Norma.

This week: Marlena pleads with Rolf to repair that damn disc (I destroyed it, people — don’t you remember anything?); Sami learns that Chloe and Lucas had sex on the Emmy stage during GH’s Best Drama Series win; EJ dumps Sami for good; Nicole’s secret is revealed to Ava; and Daniel and Kate hide their affair from Chelsea.

General Hospital, CTV/ABC — Laura finally returns
There is a God, and luckily, CBS is not involved in this casting coup! Emmy winner Genie Francis (Laura) is returning to GH beginning August 26. “I would stay on, but GH honestly doesn't seem to want that relationship with this character at the moment,” Francis told the AP a while back. Thankfully, the show has seen the light and has grabbed the actress for another short-term visit. Look for Laura to be involved heavily in Lulu's storyline.

Kiko Ellsworth (ex-Stan) is busy filming Heroes webisodes airing July 14. Meanwhile, Stephen Martines (ex-Nikolas) will have a recurring role on The Closer as a news reporter who asks Kyra Sedgwick the tough questions.

Scene-stealer Graham Shiels returns as troubled war veteran Cody. Someone please revoke Rick Springfield’s (Eli/Noah) acting privileges! I beg you… Next week, Maxie and Spinelli have sex. Run for your lives…

Guiding Light, Global/CBS — When all else fails…
What if Reva and Josh kissed? Would anyone still care? Find out this week when Kim Zimmer (Reva) and Robert Newman (Josh) relive the good old days. Hmmm… I wonder if they still share any chemistry after head writer David Kreizman mercilessly massacred their love story. Later this week, Cyrus tries to get the upper hand with Reva when he blackmails her. Good luck with that.

One of my spies ran into poor Mandy Bruno (Marina) at New York’s Port Authority waiting for a train bound for New Jersey to film yet another endless episode of nothing. “She wasn’t too pleased,” he reports. GL doesn’t even provide transportation to “Springfield?” Yikes, this show is in worse shape than I thought!

Did you catch the riveting episode last week when Reva cleaned out her microwave? I detect another Emmy nomination for La Zimmer (Reva)!

Imaginary Bitches, YouTube.com — Y&R scribe pitches the bitches!
It seems everybody and their imaginary mama wants aboard the bitch bandwagon! First season Imaginary Bitches guest stars Jessalyn Gilsig (Nip/Tuck) and Greg Rikaart (The Young and the Restless) are basically stalking series creator Andrew Miller for additional episodes. "It's really getting out of control," said Miller. "Eden and I are considering restraining orders." It isn't just persistent soap hunks and pesky prime-time starlets who want a piece of the IB pie. Miller informed me that a former Y&R scribe has submitted a script for the show. Well... OK. Just so long as it doesn't involve Catherine and Heather going off in search of a Second World War reliquary! Don't forget to check out all new episodes of Imaginary Bitches beginning Friday, July 11th!

—Reporting by daytimeconfidential.com’s Jamey Giddens

MVP: The Secrets Wives of Hockey Wives, SOAPnet — Icy preview
What’s next on soaps’ guiltiest pleasure? Trevor is ordered to undergo a makeover; man-slut extraordinaire Damon’s future in hockey may be threatened; and Connie and Gabe reignite their affair.

On July 17, MVP’s Kristin Booth, Dillon Casey, Deborah Odell and Natalie Krill will be at HMV’s Yonge and Dundas location in Toronto from 5 – 6 p.m. in anticipation of the show's Season 1 DVD release. Check out Denette’s DVDs on Tuesday, since it will no doubt be one of her picks of the week.

One Life to Live, A/ABC — Evans: Slut of the week!
I found a stray dog the other day, and of course I called it, Little Ron Carlivati.

Andrea Evans (Tina), slut of the week? Yep, click here to read DListed’s weekly honour. Where do I apply?

I said everything I wanted and needed to say regarding OLTL last summer during the show’s 10,000th-episode anniversary (poor Ron C. has been saddled with all these anniversaries this past year; can’t wait to see what he pens normally for a change). This story ran a week before the Emmy-winning scribe took over the reins of the comeback show changing Llanview forever.

Those persistent rumours that state David Fumero (Cristian) is leaving the show won’t die down. As usual, OLTL doesn’t comment on gossip.

The funniest man on soaps, Tuc Watkins (David) and I caught up on the Emmy red carpet a couple of weeks ago. The Desperate Housewives star informed me he’s leaving the OLTL canvas again, but he’ll be back, so luckily there’s no need to hit the bottle. Watkins is set to exit the show in August, but "the door is always open for his return," confirms a show rep.

TVG: Well, duh — you are! You must be over-the-moon to be working opposite the real Tina Lord, played by my wife, Andrea Evans.
TW: Actually, Andrea and I have not shared one scene together! It’s a crime! When David and I leave the canvas, one of the last things I do is walk by Andrea and we sense each other, but never see each other.

TVG: You only acted opposite Krista Tesreau [ex-Tina; ex-Mindy, GL], right?
TW: Yes, but Andrea and I had lots of fun down in the makeup room.

TVG: So, were you offended that head writer Ron Carlivati named Tina’s bitch, David Vickers?
TW: I think it’s hilarious! Tuc is my real name and I’ve met a lot of dogs named Tucker. I always take offense when animals are named after me. I’m not sure why. But on TV, when your character’s name is named after a dog, it’s fun. If Ron named the dog Tuc, I’d get confused. And here’s why: Bree Williamson [Tessica] has a daughter on the show named Bree and it’s very confusing.

TVG: You’re talented, but you’re not…
TW: … smart! [Laughs] That’s why I became an actor, not a metaphysicist!

TVG: Do you think it was out of character when David betrayed Dorian so quickly with the whole Charlie scandal?
TW: David and Dorian are not mature people. And if they get upset, they lash out in a very childlike manner. Dorian didn’t give David his financial due in order to keep quiet, so he turned her in.

TVG: Desperate Housewives — what’s happening?
TW: Bob and Lee got married in the last episode, but the show flash-forwarded five years, so anything can happen. We find out next week if and what our role would be. So I don’t know.

TVG: Do you love being bi-coastal?
TW: Whenever I live in L.A. for a long time, I get itchy to live on the other coast. Listen, I have nothing to complain about. I have a great life. I work on daytime, prime time, and we should all be as lucky.

TVG: Are we going to see David naked all summer long?
TW: ABC has cut back on costume costs, so David wears less and less this summer…

Passions, SuperChannel/DirecTV — Two weddings and a confession!
As we draw nearer to the end of Passions, expect Kay and Miquel to get hitched, Rebecca and Gwen get caught confessing, and Tabitha to officiate Norma and Edna’s wedding. Also, look for Danica Stewart to return as Jessica Bennett. I would kill to see Taylor Ann Mountz reprise the role of Kay before this show is over. The sensational newcomer could have been a contender if she hadn’t “quit” the soap.

According to soapoperaweekly.com (because I don't watch this show; there isn't enough money in the universe to make me): On the July 7 episode, McKenzie Westmore (Sheridan) was temporarily replaced by Kam Heskin. A show spokesperson explains that Westmore was ill during that week of taping so Heskin filled in for a few days. Heskin also pinched-hit for the actress in 2006 while Westmore was on maternity leave.

The Young and the Restless, Global/CBS — Irizarry jumping over to GH?
Soap Opera Weekly suggests that Vincent Irizarry (David) may follow Finola Hughes (Anna) over to GH with his AMC character Dr. David Hayward.

Y&R is planning its first location shoot in Paris to celebrate the soap’s 20th anniversary of airing in La Belle Paris. At press time, the cast hasn’t been informed which actors will be part of the sojourn to Europe.

Want to read what kind of crazy CBS executive Barbara Bloom is trying to sell these days? The senior vice president and occasional Y&R breakdown writer gives Carolyn Hinsey a summer preview that almost put me to sleep. Read it, and let me know if any of those stories resonate with you or engage you. My dead grandmother could come up with a better summer bible for the CBS lineup. Also, Bloom sidetracks Hinsey’s tough questions regarding the probability that Sabrina got pregnant from Victor, who’s had two vasectomies, and why viewers should care about boring newbie characters. Can someone remind me again what qualifies this woman to run a daytime network? Les Moonves, help! Send in Julie Chen, stat! I love me some Chen-bot!

Want to dish the soaps with Nelson Branco? Join The Suds Report discussion group today on Facebook.com.

Nelson Branco is a Toronto freelance entertainment journalist, who regularly contributes to Hello! Canada, The National Post, The Los Angeles Times' theenvelope.com, TV Guide USA, tvguide.com, Inside Entertainment, OUT, and fab magazine, along with spearheading the soap coverage for TVGuide.ca's popular daytime TV hub. After graduating from Ryerson University in 1997, he moved from Toronto to New York in 1998 to take on the roles as senior news editor at Soap Opera Update. Branco first freelanced for Soap Opera Weekly as an intern in 1994, and after leaving Soap Update to help create and launch Bauer Publishing's In Touch Weekly in 2003, Branco continued to freelance occasionally for its sister publication, Soaps In Depth. Most recently, he helped create and launch Canada's first celebrity magazine, Weekly Scoop in 2005 as its news and entertainment director. Branco is also a contributor to a new TV show titled Planet Soap to air in Canada and America.