REMOTE CONTROL: THE SUDS EDITION
Summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly on daytime TV

<< REWIND
THE DAYTIME EMMY AWARDS — And the loser is…
Make sure you’ve gone to the bathroom before you view this naughty, yet oh-so-hilarious video of Hitler freaking out over the network-less Daytime Emmy Awards in 2009.

>> FF
DAYS OF OUR LIVES: Soap Opera Holocaust
Did you catch DAYS’ lame ass and extremely sloppy send-off for inarguably its biggest super-couple ever this past Friday? If you didn’t, you were lucky. For those of us who did, Deidre Hall and Drake Hogestyn’s 20-minute send-off was simply sickening to watch. Let’s review: our hero John Black regained his memory but was castrated in every sense of the word due to his paralysis from the neck down. The definitive super-couple wed in the cheapest, most unimaginative and agenda-pushing wedding in the history of daytime. Just thinking of this shameful “story” makes me want to throw up.

Forget for a moment that firing two of the biggest stars in the business was the gravest mistake any soap has ever made.

Forget for a moment that the people responsible for this crime have absolutely no talent. Forget for a moment these idiots-in-charge all share one brain cell between the three of them.

Forget for a moment that these show runners are clearly miserable, vindictive human beings.

Forget for a moment that they disgust us all.

Why would anyone — even people devoid of any ethics or morals — opt not to devote an entire hour to John and Marlena for sheer financial gain and ratings in this dying genre? Oh, right — because they are relentlessly determined to kill NBC’s lone soap. As John would say, “That’s a fact.”

Mark my words, DAYS: I’m done being nice when it comes to show killers Dena Higley, Gary Tomlin, Chris Whitesell, and Ken Corday. To think these soul murderers make millions of dollars, while actors are being forced to take major paycuts. These super-hacks are the daytime equivalent to former president George W. Bush. I’m done with this show. Sorry, but I refuse to watch this piece of crap ever again.

Daytimeconfidential.com’s Jamey Giddens urged fans to Vote With Their Remote in 2009 — and I demand anyone out there who has any integrity to stop watching this insulting piece of garbage. Don’t waste your time. Devote that hour to washing your hair, volunteering to a worthy cause, or slashing your wrists. Trust me — you’ll be a better person. If you are what you watch, viewing DAYS will destroy your life.

Rest in peace, Ted and Betty Corday — Salem is dead to me. The Nightmare Team should all do us a favour and find the tallest building and jump off. No one would miss them.

Memo to DAYS fans (and I use that term lightly): Don’t miss The Suds Report Friday for a new story on why D&D were really fired.

THE NELSON RATINGS
Can’t watch all the soaps this week? No worries — here’s a cheat sheet!

Top 3 Shows to Watch:
1. One Life to Live, ABC/A
2. The Young and the Restless, CBS/Global
3. All My Children, ABC/A

Top 4 Storylines to Watch This Week:
1. Katherine Must Impersonate Herself to Reclaim her life on Y&R!
2. Jessica and Brody part ways on OLTL.
3. Kendall wakes up with a different personality on AMC.
4. Dorian and David continue torturing themselves on OLTL.

Top 3 Actresses to Watch:
1. Jeanne Cooper (Katherine, Y&R)
2. Alicia Minshew (Kendall, AMC)
3. Arianne Zucker (Nicole, DAYS) 

Top 5 Actors to Watch:
1. Tuc Watkins (David, OLTL)
—tie— Trevor St. John (Todd, OLTL)
2. Eric Braeden (Victor, Y&R)
3. Thorsten Kaye (Zach, AMC)
4. Eddie Alderson (Matthew, OLTL)

Top 3 Duos to Watch:
1. Olivia and Natalia, GL
2. Zach and Kendall, AMC
3. Spinelli and Maxie, GH

Top 5 Duos to Avoid Like The Plague:
1. Cristian and Vanessa, OLTL
2. Brooke and Ridge, B&B
3. Rick and Steffy, B&B
4. Krystal and David, AMC
5. Greenlee and Ryan, AMC

Top 4 Hair Models:
1. Christel Khalil (Lily, Y&R)
2. Molly Burnett (Melanie, DAYS)
3. Natalia Livingston (Rebecca, GH)
4. Dena Higley, DAYS’ head writer

Top 4 Soap Blogs/Podcasts: 
1. Luke Kerr: Soaps’ Fight for Survival
2. Sara A. Bibel: A Momentous Occasion
3. Mark H: A little Nuke and the world explodes
4. Mark H: The Gay Male Soap Fan

Top 3 Soap Moments To Watch:
1. Friday: AMC’s Kendall wakes up from her beauty sleep only to learn that Zach’s sperm gave life to Bianca’s new daughter, Gabby. “Yeah, well, while I was in a coma, Ryan impregnated me, so there,” snipes Kendall-ista.
2. Wednesday: Nikki is devastated when she learns a shocking tidbit about her sister, Casey, on Y&R. “She looks like Deidre Hall now,” screams Melody Thomas Scott! “There’s only room on this show for one diva — and that’s me, bitches! Just ask Victoria Rowell…”
3. Wednesday: Janet and Jack deal with being in the poor house on ATWT. “We need to get a job on ABC,” sighs Michael Park (Jack).

 

 

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Nelson Branco is a Toronto freelance entertainment journalist, who regularly contributes to Hello! Canada, The National Post, The Los Angeles Times' theenvelope.com, TV Guide USA, tvguide.com, Inside Entertainment, OUT, and fab magazine, along with spearheading the soap coverage for TVGuide.ca's popular daytime TV hub. After graduating from Ryerson University in 1997, he moved from Toronto to New York in 1998 to take on the roles as senior news editor at Soap Opera Update. Branco first freelanced for Soap Opera Weekly as an intern in 1994, and after leaving Soap Update to help create and launch Bauer Publishing's In Touch Weekly in 2003, Branco continued to freelance occasionally for its sister publication, Soaps In Depth. Most recently, he helped create and launch Canada's first celebrity magazine, Weekly Scoop in 2005 as its news and entertainment director. Branco is also a contributor to a new TV show titled Planet Soap to air in Canada and America.