The Celebrity Apprentice, "Hero Worship"

Bigger and better? Aw, Trump, stop lying or God will make your hair fall off. Yes there are 18 celebrities this season, but I think it’s safe to say that The Celebrity Apprentice was scraping the bottom of the barrel when it came to casting Season 12. Shouldn’t there be a long line of D-list celebs clamouring to be on this show or are they reality show snobs and anxiously waiting by their phones for a call from Dancing With the Stars?

Before the season started, there were Internet rumours that a feud between Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken had ignited. Seriously, a feud between an Idol loser and Eddie Murphy’s former BFF? It sounded lame, but it’s right up Apprentice’s alley. I have a strange feeling that these two make it all the way to the final four.

If there is one person that the celebs should be afraid of, it’s not table-flipping Teresa Guidice or Lou “The Hulk” Ferrigno. It’s Victoria Gotti and her dollar-store weave. Sure she’s the “original Mob daughter,” but anyone that willingly goes outside with that all that curled dead hair on her head is someone not to be messed with.

Oh snap! I just Googled Patricia Velásque and turns out she was Anck Su-Namun from the first two Mummy movies. Just when I thought Gotti was the baddest bitch on the team, you can’t overlook Imotep’s girlfriend. Dude, she knows how to wield a sai. You know who else knows how to use those? Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As the song goes, “Raphael is cool but crude.” 

The first task had the celebs working at a deli, making sandwiches and trying to get tips. The team with the most tips won. Watching George Takei ogle a topless Lou Ferrigno was equal parts creepy and hilarious. A pervy former Star Trek star is always good TV.

You know what else was good TV? Wyclef Jean showed up to the ladies’ deli to help out his friend Patricia, and he even pulled out his guitar and played some music. She also got Russell Simmons and Carol Alt to come out. Who knew Anck Su-Namun had that much clout? Well, her boyfriend did try to raise an army of the dead to take over the world, so we shouldn’t be too surprised.

On to the boardroom, and Tia Carrere’s lips. Ay dios mios, Althea Rae Janairo (her real name according to Wikipedia)! Did you go to Tijuana and get one of those lip injections from the trunk of an El Camino? You made men schwing in the 90s but I’m guessing now probably not so much, because your lips look like they are about to come off your face and start attacking people.

After all was said and done, the men won the first challenge and American Chopper’s Paul Teutul Sr. was able to make over $494,000 for his charity (the Make-A-Wish Foundation), which was the most money raised by a team in Celebrity Apprentice history.

During the women’s boardroom, Aubrey O’Day had the nerve to call out Victoria in front of Trump and the side eye that Victoria was giving made me nervous. Aubrey may wake up either with a horse head next to her in bed, or in a landfill in New Jersey. Turns out Victoria’s side eye was enough to send a shiver down Trump’s spine and Cheryl Tiegs was fired. It’s no surprise. Tiegs’ niceness was not enough to be able to survive in the shark tank that was her team.

Next week, the teams head to my form of heaven: MEDIEVAL TIMES!!!

The Celebrity Apprentice airs Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on NBC and Saturdays at 8 p.m. ET on Global.