OK, listen up. This article isn’t just any guide to life, it’s the Gene Simmons guide to life. It comes complete with kabuki makeup, platform boots, an indecently long tongue, and multi-media branding opportunities. Batteries aren’t included because they’re for losers. Got it? Good.
Of course, if you’ve ever watched Gene Simmons: Rock School or the recently renewed Gene Simmons: Family Jewels (Season 2 airs Sundays, 8 p.m. ET, MuchMoreMusic), you’re probably well-acquainted with the Gene Simmons way of life and its seeming contradictions.
The KISS bassist and vocalist is known for bedding about 4,897 women, but he’s been committed to former Playmate and Newfoundlander Shannon Tweed for 23 years. The band he founded 34 years ago was the epitome of teenage rebellion, but now he rules his and Tweed’s two kids with an iron fist.
Confused? Don’t be. That’s why Gene Simmons agreed to dispense the following nuggets of Gene Simmons-brand wisdom to TVguide.ca. And you can bet each of his 2,500 trademarked licences that he’s become plenty wise about being a businessman, a family man, and a blood-spitting demon – though not necessarily in that order.
MARRIAGE IS FOR LOSERS …
Yeah, he said it – you can take your wedded bliss and shove it. “I refuse to get married,” Simmons growls over the phone. “There’s nothing wrong with marriage, but it’s a loser’s game. When you get divorced, somebody will walk away with 50 per cent of your gross pre-tax dollars.” So true. Somewhere, six-time divorcé Larry King is sobbing.
We know who wears the iron boots in the Simmons family |
… EXCEPT IF YOU’RE A WOMAN …
“Women should get married and divorced as often as they can. They’ll get to keep the insurance, the jewellery, the money – everything,” says Simmons. In other words, he’s not saying you should be a gold-digger, just don’t be dealing with no broke …
… AND IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, MIND YOUR BUSINESS.
Simmons describes the secret to his unmarriage like this: “She, unlike the rest of the women on the planet, doesn’t torture me. Never ask the man where he’s going. The only person who should ever ask that is his mother.”
IF YOU CODDLE YOUR KIDS, YOU’RE A PANSY …
“The idea of negotiating with kids is lunacy. They’re not qualified to make any decisions,” says Simmons, who clearly won’t be sponsoring Kid Nation anytime soon. “In this permissive society, I see kids running into their rooms and slamming doors. I say, 'That’s my door, and your room is my room. Even the poop you poop out comes from food I bought you. That’s my poop!'”
… BUT IF YOU CODDLE YOURSELF, YOU’RE A LEGEND.
According to Simmons, there's nothing wrong with thinking you're the most charming fire-breathing demon around, even if you're not. “I’m in the Gene Simmons business. If I don’t prop myself up, who’s going to? Love yourself the most. And being a little delusional is good!”
DRUGS ARE FOR LOSERS …
Say it all together now: crack is whack! “I’ve never been high or drunk or smoked a cigarette because it’ll kill ya,” says Simmons. “A lot of people who’ve gotten high or smoked have also been married and divorced. So those choices are loser choices. I want to win every time.”
… AND LOSERS WON’T RULE THE WORLD!
With KISS still touring (their Kissology Vols. 1 and 2 DVDs recently debuted at No. 1) and businesses including NGTV.com, Simmons Comics Group and Simmons Abramson Marketing on the go, Gene Simmons is busier than the hot tub at Flavor Flav’s house.
“Here’s the secret: I enjoy everything I do,” he says. “There are no limits. You guys hate hearing this, but America’s where it’s at if you want riches and fame and success.” And if someone has a problem with that? “I’m too rich to care. Who gives a s---?”
Thoughts? Email melissa@tvguide.ca
Published: Friday, September 21, 2007
